Nothing Succeeds Like Secession

January 20, 2005: The second inauguration of George W. Bush.

America is a democracy and the people have spoken. The Midwest and South went Red (Republican, pro-War, pro-debt, anti-environment, greedy, and uninformed), while the Northeast and West Coast voted Blue (Democratic, socially conscious, and tolerant). For a more eloquent analysis, read Michael Feingold's piece in the Village Voice.

Maybe instead of bitching about how the South has risen again in the guise of George W. Bush and his freedom-trampling minions, the Northeast and West Coast should be proactive and secede from the Union. The possibility of a second Civil War is remote, because the South doesn't care enough about snow, open-mindedness, tolerance, and racial equality to want to keep us (as if they could).

Just ship King George II to Texas to rule over New America. He won't have to listen to the protests of literate people who care about human rights and the welfare of the less fortunate.

The secession would be a mutual break-up, an amicable split, a no-fault divorce. We'll take Illinois, the South can have Ohio and Missouri. Both sides would have visitation rights. Think of the revenue generated from tourism and interstate (now international) trade. I went to Dixie and all I got was this red neck and lousy t-shirt.

What does the North lose by striking out on our own? Atlanta? Disney World? Spring Break? The South doesn't want carpet baggers bothering them. Southern hospitality is a smile worn after spitting in a Yankee's grits back in the kitchen.

The only downside to the whole split that I can see is that the North would be morally obligated to start a Civil War if the South decides they want to reinstate their "peculiar institution" again.

(Note: Things aren't as black and white--or red and blue--as North vs. South. The generalizations above were made for the sole purpose of this reactionary blog. Hell, with the exception of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is practically a "Red" state. Both sides can agree that the United States was built with the toil of enslaved and immigrant labor on land stolen from Native Americans.)