Thursday, May 19, 2005

Sight Unseen: May 19, 2005

Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen...on a Thursday.

Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith
Where is my lightsaber? I don't mean the plastic toy the dorks are playing make-believe with, no, I mean a real lightsaber. Forget the flying car, America's scientists and inventors should be working on developing swords made of light. Isn't that the sole purpose of physics? The lightsaber should be a physicist's holy grail: it features light as a wave, a particle, and a sharp instrument for chopping the shit out of things.

Some crybabies might poo-poo the idea of allowing people to walk around with white-hot cutting tools, but the sabers (or sabres) can equipped with safety switches and licensed like guns; besides a lightsaber is "more elegant than a blaster." Imagine the incredible advances to be made in artificial limb technology that would be necessitated by lightsabers. Lightsabers would create jobs and singlehandedly (no pun intended) save our floundering economy. I'd join the National Lightsaber Association (NLA; if limo drivers and lawyers can share 'NLA', they can make room for lightsabers--or it's choppin' time) in exchange for the opportunity to own a lightsaber.

For all these reasons and more, I urge you to write your member of Congress and demand they push for more funding for lightsaber research and development.

Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith opens today.


Friday, May 13, 2005

Sight Unseen: May 13, 2005

Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.

Well, Jane Fonda isn't Jason Voorhees (although some would contest that statement), but at least there's a monster movie opening on Friday the 13th.

Kicking and Screaming
Fathers who get caught up in their kid's sports teams are funny, and finally they get a movie that pokes fun at their impassioned fanaticism. You know who isn't laughing? The kid who gets beat for striking out, overthrowing the cut-off man, missing a goal, not bettering his time, or for just being average. That shit just isn't funny. Maybe Kicking and Screaming will help overenthusiastic parents laugh at themselves, and reduce the number of beatings.
We can only hope.


Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Personal-ly Offended

From the "I-Can't-Believe-What-an-Asshole-this-Person-Is" files, this was the "Personal of the Day" at The Onion:

Woman's username: smartsexycool
If I could be anywhere at the moment: "On a boat, somewhere warm, with half-naked natives serving me drinks and chocolate."

Why not make the natives completely naked and enslave them to cater to your every posh, bourgeois desire, you stupid piece of shit! Oh wait, if they were completely naked, their genitalia might offend your Puritan eyes. Even worse, she considers herself to be "smart, sexy, cool" after spouting off some imperialist bullshit like that. Bitch, please. I'm renaming you KKKim.

Either she doesn't think there is anything wrong with subjugating an indigenous people to slavery for her "drinks and chocolate", or she didn't think about the indigenous people at all. What's worse is there are millions of people who think (or don't think) just like her...and that's why I avoid Delaware Avenue.

One day I will figure out how to post pictures to this blog and then I will post the picture of this stupid woman for all the world to ridicule (because more people read Bloody Knee Jerk than The Onion)!


Friday, May 06, 2005

Sight Unseen: May 6, 2005

Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.

House of Wax
Hey Paris, why the long face? This movie is the perfect project for you. With all the make-up you wear, you already look like you're made of wax. Paris Hilton--she's just not a pretty face.*

Kingdom of Heaven
What if the Kingdom of Heaven were really just a House of Wax? What if God was one of us?

*Why this animosity towards Ms. Hilton? For starters, she's trying to infringe on my use of the language by copyrighting the phrase, "That's hot", as if she came up with it. I had a friend in college who used that phrase all the time--long before Paris Hilton was a internet porn sensation. It was an annoying catchphrase then, and it's annoying now, but I'll be damned if someone should own the rights to its use. Do you want to pay Ms. Hilton a nickel every time you explain to children why they shouldn't put their tiny hands on the stove burner ("Don't touch, that's hot")? Me, neither.


Thursday, May 05, 2005

Blogging Works!

To those who doubt the power of the blog, I say, "Behold! Wilco is coming to Philadelphia!"

Unquestionably the inevitable outcome of my scathing blog on the subject, Wilco has scheduled a June 23 appearance at Festival Pier in Philadelphia.

Wilco fans in Philadelphia, you're welcome.