Sight Unseen: April 29, 2005

Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.

This week we have a treat. A rumble. A rap battle.
Two of the finest rappers-turned-actors have movies opening this weekend.
Damn! Pass me that 40.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
This movie is all literary and shit. It's a film based on a book based on a fictional futuristic book. Mos Def brings to acting the same smoothness he brought to Black Star.


XXX: State of the Union
Oh, the things you get when you run a Google search for this title.

Ice Cube. The man, the legend, "the Predator." I fuckin' knew Are We There Yet? couldn't keep Cube down...and neither can a load of poorly animated stunts. I've seen the trailers. Train wrecks and car chases that are faker than a video ho's hair. Even if XXX: State of the Union is terrible, it's possibly the best recasting of a title role ever. Ever.

Cube's brilliance over Vin Diesel aside, it's not hard to top these recasting missteps. Roger Moore over Sean Connery as 007? Val Kilmer replacing Michael Keaton for Batman Forever? Jason Bateman over Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf Too?

So, who's the best rapper-turned-actor?

Not Vanilla Ice (aka Robert Van Winkle), despite turns in Cool As Ice ("How do you melt a girl's heart? Just add Ice") and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze ("Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!").

Mark Wahlberg was in the running for Boogie Nights, but c'mon...was he really a rapper? "Did you feel it, baby?...yeah, I did, too."

Ice T: Loved him in New Jack City and Trespass...and then what happened? Actually, he kicked some ass in Surviving the Game (that remake of The Most Dangerous Game)

Other rappers-turned-actors: TuPac, The Fat Boys (Disorderlies!), LL Cool J ("My hat is like a shark's fin!"), Will Smith, Snoop Dogg, DMX, Beanie Siegel (his movies are more akin to a reality show about prison than cinema), etc.

Nope, it's either Mos Def or Ice Cube...and I'm not voting against a man who keeps a 9mm in his jeep.

Verdict: Ice Cube is the greatest actor of all time.