Philly Speaks Out

It's Media Day in Jacksonville and hordes of news personnel have descended on Florida ("America's Wang" in Homer Simpson's words) to talk with players, coaches, fans, and each other, leaving the city of Philadelphia out in the cold. In this exclusive interview at City Hall, I spoke with our city about the Super Bowl.

Jesse D: Philadelphia, may I call you, Philly?
Philadelphia: Please.
J: Philly, thank you for meeting with me. And might I add, you look wonderful.
P: You’re too kind. Yeah, they finally decided to give City Hall a bath after the years of smog and exhaust have ravaged my once youthful exterior. Citizens, I’m a city! I can’t wash myself. The long arm of the law is just an abstraction, it can’t pick up the litter you carelessly drop on me.
J: Point taken. So, are you excited for the big game on Sunday?
P: Let me put it to you this way:
(beating chest, gorilla style) E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S! EAGLES!
J: Well said. There’s an awful lot of green around lately, but I noticed that William Penn is not wearing the customary jersey for a team in the Championship.
P: William Penn?
J: On top of City Hall.
P: You mean the statue of Ben Franklin?
J: Uh…
P: Ha! I’m just having some fun with you. You’d be surprised how many tourists that works on. (chuckles) No, the Eagles asked me not to put the jersey on Penn, and out of respect I complied.
J: Do you think they made the request because of "the curse"?
P: Maybe. The last jersey Penn donned was for the Flyers, and look how well they’re doing now.
J: They came close a few years ago.
P: Close doesn’t cut it for me.
J: With the NHL lockout, do you think hockey is dead in Philadelphia?
P: Not at all, the Phantoms are an exciting team. Have you been to one of their affordable, family-oriented games lately?
J: Er, no.
P: Yeah. Me, neither. When was the last time anyone got excited about the Calder Cup? Maybe in the sticks of Hershey or Wilkes-Barre, but I’m Philadelphia, beeutch!
J: Back to the Eagles. Terrell Owens announced today that he will play in the Super Bowl. Your thoughts?
P: I love T.O. He had a tough decision to make. If he decided not to play, he gave me and every other Eagles fan an excuse if they fulfilled Brian Hickey’s prediction. Now that T.O. is playing, he will either be the greatest sports hero in my sports history by catching 400 touchdown passes on a broken leg or just another goat, a la Mitch Williams.
J: No middle ground, eh? I just noticed you’re on your 12th Yuengling.
P: So what? Can’t a town have a little drink to celebrate? I’m in the Super Bowl! Fly Eagles, Fly! C’mon you know the words.
(Sounds of ruckus, a thump, then silence)