Ozzfestering

My Ozzfest "Blistered in the Sun" published last week in the City Paper, but there are always more notes than fit in one column. What follows is sort of a b-sides compilation of comments.

Ozzfest 2005
Arch Enemy filled OTEP's usual role as the token female-fronted metal act this year. Still no sign of L7.

As I Lay Dying followed Mastodon on the "Hot Topic" second stage making for a double-dose of metal based on classic American literature. Only As I Lay Dying's literary influence doesn't extend to their lyrics, and they lose metal credibility because their band name landed on Oprah's Book Club.

The sun was baking us like the crew of the Pequod, and it was too hot to move or breathe during the set changes, so I entertained myself by thinking up stories using the names of Ozzfest bands. It was a stupid game, but here's an example:

As the Shadows Fall on a Black Sabbath night, Rob Zombie decides, It Dies Today. Throwing his Arch Enemy into the Iron Maiden ("Excellent!"), he pulled the Killswitch Engage lever. Mama Zombie always admonished him to "Bury Your Dead", and Rob prepared for the Soil Work ahead.

Yeah, that was lame, and that realization eventually cut through my heat-induced delirium and I walked through the crowd to the various vendor booths. As usual, there was a ton of free swag, and the best of it disappeared before noon, leaving only The Devil's Rejects postcards and temporary tattoos. At the Ozzfest table, promotional sampler CDs were free in exchange for your name and e-mail address. Despite the NHL strike, Bill Guerin (bigbadbill@bruins.com) scored again, and unemployment couldn't stop Ron Tugnutt (tugdeeznutz@nuttugger.org) from lending his John Hancock to the list.

The Trojan condom booth offered a giveaway that didn't add any additional weight to cargo pockets already bulging with free stuff. In the haze of Camden, the pure oxygen (bubbled through a green, minty liquid of unknown origin) was 5 minutes of heaven for the lungs. In addition to the breath of fresh air, Trojan distributed "Mint Tingle" condoms, which the chap at the booth said had the "same effect as Altoids" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!). I was instantly reminded of "Bonita Applebum" by A Tribe Called Quest: "And if you need 'em I got crazy prophylactics."

The set times on the flyer distributed by 94 WYSP were for shit (in all fairness, there was a disclaimer saying that set times might change), so it was funny to see drunk guys turn their abandoned booth by the second stage into a make-shift piss tent.

Rob Zombie's gone Hollywood. He traded in his normally gloomy attire for a sunny Bruce Springsteen "Born in the USA" jeans and white t-shirt ensemble. Zombie seemed genuinely glad to be on the second stage, voicing his approval for "no worries about seats, tickets stubs, and guys eating nachos and slurpees." A slurpee would have been nice though.

Zombie's set with stage banter in parentheses: 1) Superbeast, 2) Supercharger Heaven, 3) Living Dead Girl ("for the ladies"), 4) Demon Speeding ("This girl thinks taking her top off will combat the b.o. rolling in waves to the stage."), 5) More Human than Human, 6) Demonoid Phenomenon, 7) Dead Girl Superstar, 8) Joe Walsh intro into Dragula, 9) Sweet Home Alabama into Thunderkiss '65.

Zombie paraphrased an interview he gave to the New York Times about Ozzfest being for the young, but also like a Brontosaurus never changing... He lost his point in the middle of the talk, and no one bothered to inform him that the name for brontosaurus (once one of the most popular dinosaurs of the 70s and 80s) has recently changed.

The Tweeter Center had the worst crowd control ever! Trying to move from the main stage to the second stage (or vice versa) was damn-near impossible. They funneled everyone through the Walt Whitman plaza and created a horrific bottleneck.

Overheard: "8 dollars for beer!? That's why I take my drugs and laugh at you all."

There was a guy trading beads for bared breasts. No one seemed to notice that this isn't fuckin' Mardi Gras. Women flashing for free (or paying to have their bare breasts airbrushed with paint) got nothing.

Damn! I have to get a pair of those rollerskate sneakers.

The Tweeter Center staff were not prepared for the level of aggression in the mosh pit. The Camden cops augmenting their ranks were off gafflin' free drinks from the concession stands. Instead of wading into the fray of the pit, the staff centered their attention on dragging a guy who scaled speaker tower #3 to the security booth. He was never heard from again (as far as I know).

Worst idea of the day: Mudvayne's singer performed in a gorilla suit. He's not getting his security deposit back from the costume rental shop.

"This is your fuckin' music! This is your fuckin' festival!"

--Bruce Dickinson

Iron Maiden kicked ass! Bruce Dickinson was wired and bursting with manic energy. He brandished the Union Jack and sighted the audience down the flag's pole (like the barrel of a rifle) during "The Trooper", but the most theatrical moment was when Dickinson performed limbering stretches during the guitar solos. There was a different Eddie scrim for nearly every song, and a mechanized beast flailed its limbs during "Number of the Beast". Playing to the crowd, Dickinson paid many compliments to Philadelphia (even though he was in Camden), and set off the mirthless laughter of the damned when he asked, "Anyone here come to see the Dave Matthews Band?" before performing "Phantom of the Opera". An encore was demanded by Zippo salute. Encore: "Runing Free", "Sanctuary".

Throughout the night, the main-stage video monitors aired commercials for Mind Freak on a constant loop. Is this the price to pay for free Mind Freak cinnamon candies? Every time they showed Criss Angel getting shot by a bloated Jonathan Davis of Korn or being suspended from a helicopter through hooks in his flesh, I was desensitized to violence just a little bit more. It was a real nice network A&E once had.

During Black Sabbath's set, I found myself standing next to a very excited young woman who flashed her breasts in time to the music. Having been to 7 previous Ozzfests, I have seen a great many breasts, and I'm fairly non-plussed, but this woman loved Ozzy, and had interesting piercings. They were flaming sun-shaped breastplates that covered the areolas but allowed the nipples to pop through the center. They looked like decorative washers on pink, fleshy screws. There was no way in hell (unless he had binoculars, which he didn't) that Ozzy could see this diminutive woman baring her soul (and breasts).

When she turned to me (breasts momentarily covered) and chastized me for jotting down the set list, I remembered that the main characters (Kate Hudson and Patick Fugit) in Almost Famous had a similar exchange at a Black Sabbath concert. Juxtapose the heights, Hudson was taller than Fugit, and add partial frontal nudity, and it was just! like! the! movie!

Sabbath's set : 1) N.I.B., (let the flashing begin!) 2) After Forever, 3) War Pigs ("Generals gathered in their masses" Boobs! "Just like witches at black masses" Tits.), 4) Dirty Women (lots of flashing for this one), 5) Fairies Wear Boots, 6) Symptom/Sweet Leaf instrumental teaser, Electric Funeral, 7) Iron Man ("Ozzy is so hot!" Flash!), 8) Into the Void, 9) Black Sabbath (Zippo salute, Twin-nipple salute), 10) Sabbath Bloody Sabbath tease, Paranoid (yelling "woo!", holding breasts and shaking them). Encore: 11) Children of the Grave.