In honor of the season, I’ve prepared a feast of BKJ to give you food for thought, something to chew on, or turn your stomach. It’s all good, because I’m thankful for anyone reading and ingesting this curdled gravy skin of a blog.
I suppose the first thing I should do is establish the setting of this entry. I’m out in Lancaster County, where 80s hair metal lives forever on the radio, and Bryan Adams and Def Leppard drew the largest crowd of drunken Amish kids ever to Clipper Magazine Stadium.
Up (too) early after a night-before-Thanksgiving bender, my mom has the TV set so she can flip between the parades in New York and Philadelphia with one button.
9:20 Philadelphia/9:25 New York: After the Cookie Monster balloon in Philly it’s Thelma Houston performing on a float with dinosaurs (hooray for evolution, boo for the unintended implication that Houston’s prehistoric). This beats New York’s parade with cast members of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” by a mile.
9:26 New York: Sticking with the upscale parade, we have a group of kids singing, dancing, and obviously hamming it up in hopes of being discovered. I can’t believe one of the little brats sang that she’s thankful for her cell phone. I’m thankful my mom changed the channel, and I tell her so.
9:26 Philadelphia: Tony Danza’s hosting the parade, but Kelly Ripa’s on the way. Marching band and pre-recorded Thanksgiving wishes from Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and The View.
9:30 Philadelphia: Bob the Builder balloon and the Brentwood High School marching band from Tennessee. Dave Roberts just exclaimed the Mrs. Incredible is hot and noticed her curves.
9:38 Philadelphia: Grease. God, I hate that musical. Is it too early for beer?
9:39 New York: Jersey Boys is a minor improvement.
While playing with the dog I lose track of time and space.
?? Philadelphia?: Jailbait cheerleaders performing to “Jailhouse Rock” and “Hound Dog”.
Got my bearings back, but I still don’t know what time it is.
Philadelphia is looking great (on TV). It’s a sunny day and the Cow Jumped Over the Moon balloon is bouncing off the Parkway followed by an Alabama marching band. Civic Pride moment: It’s great to see bands from around the country performing in Philadelphia. Cheers Philly.
Philadelphia: Danza’s departing and the Curious George balloon is deflating. What’s up with all the balloon problems? Oh shit, it's Annie. This little girl's shitty lip syncing has destroyed the illusion of the parade. Boo! I’m outta here.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Revenge of the Sixth!
File this one under old news.
Philly's the Sixth Most Dangerous City in America!*
This claim to fame beats that horseshit about being the "Sixth Borough" any day of the week. Yo New York! You don't have shit on our town with your 4th Safest City ranking. Pussies.
Go Sixers!
*Population of 500,000 or more.
Special thanks to all Camden residents who crossed the Ben Franklin Bridge to boost Philly's rating.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Camden: "We're # 1!"
Camden, NJ: Still the 'Most Dangerous' city in America.
Pop the tops on the Mad Dog 20/20, Camden. You have earned the right to celebrate.
In his concession speech, runner up Detroit's Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick spoke graciously, "You have to take your hat off to the city of Camden. They did what was necessary to defend their title."
And what was necessary were sharks. Not resting after their 2004 victory, Camden rechristened the New Jersey State Aquarium Adventure Aquarium and released sharks into the beleaguered waterfront city.
Running for his stripped SUV, one mauled tourist commented, "Holy shit! I thought I had gotten through the worst of it after that mugger shot me and took my wallet, but then a fuckin' shark bit my goddamned arm off!"
Inside Adventure Aquarium it was a party atmosphere.
Amidst a swarm of flipper high fives, one shark noted, "Look, it's simple, if you don't want your frickin' head bit off, don't come to Camden." A tankmate echoed the sentiment, "I live for this shit. All I do is swim and eat and make baby sharks."
Mayor Gwendolyn A. Faison looking relaxed, spoke from behind the 6-inch bulletproof glass surrounding her desk. "It takes a village. I thought Camden's title was in real trouble when they started charging $25 for parking at the Tweeter Center. It turns out my worries were unfounded; they had no intention of investing any of that money into the community."
Owners of the Tweeter Center parking lots were unavailable for comment but released this statement: With the recent announcement that Camden is the most dangerous city in America, we will be raising our parking prices to $30 next summer.
Undaunted by the escalating parking fees, one X-treme sports fanatic was hyped up about his stab wound. "Dude, this town is f'in X-treme! I live for the adrenaline rush!" At press time, at least three travel agencies were putting together X-treme Adventure tours to Camden.
Asked about the possibility of a three-peat, one carjacker was humble, "We’re taking it one season at a time." He added, "It's hard work staying on top with all the parity in the MDC [Most Dangerous City] league. You have to be resourceful. I trust in the mayor though. I mean, who would've predicted sharks. That just takes the cake."
Beaming with pride when told of the compliment, Faison leaned back in her throne, smiled broadly and shouted out the window to a bleeding pedestrian, "Be sure to tell the hospital that Camden sent ya, we have a reputation to maintain."
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Bright Eyes, Dirty Trailer
"I will die for you" is the new "Wash Me"
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Cease and De-Sixth!
How better to celebrate Philadelphia’s music scene than by calling it a New York suburb?
That’s the thinking over at Plain Parade, which just released a compilation of Philadelphia musicians entitled: Songs from the Sixth Borough.
Note to Plain Parade: The title for your Philadelphia comp is just plain awful. For shame. I expect this kind of misrepresentation from Jessica “My Chin Is the 6th Borough” Pressler, but I didn’t think you would market Philadelphia as a New York suburb.
Philebrity clued me in that Pressler’s fucked up, completely inaccurate NY Times article about Philadelphia was referenced on the Gilmore Girls. Who knew that that pile of dog shit would stink so long?
Memo to Ms. Pressler: Stop misrepresenting my town.
Half-assed letter of application to the New York Times: Dear Venerable Establishment of the Main Stream Media: I humbly offer my services to cover Philadelphia without blatant distortion of facts or comparing it to New York at every turn. In my coverage, I won’t sell Philly short in order to promote an agenda of mass exodus from the Big Apple (admit it, Pressler was just a tool in your grand scheme to get people to move out of your city, so you have a little extra sidewalk space). Thanking you in advance for the word and liquor money.
Sincerely, Jesse D’s nuts (take that apostrophe any way you like it).
Am I the only person in Philadelphia who rankles at these constant attempts to ingratiate Philly with New York? Does it not dawn on those who call this town the 6th Borough that they are selling Philadelphia’s independence (and indie rock) short? Oh, I get it. It’s just fun and no one takes it seriously, so I shouldn’t get worked up over it. Maybe I should just have a good time and let a $10 appletini at Glam melt my cares away. Horseshit. The joke isn’t funny anymore (and I’m not convinced it ever was). Philly represent.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
When the Music's Over
I grew up with this band; I remember when they were just "The Lovers". I apologize for that joke. It was the nasty biproduct of the Bigger Lovers' farewell all-you-can-drink concert. When the beer ran out, I sobered up, and had the kind of regrets that Richard Lewis knows only too well. That guy is not funny.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Your Slogan is Tasty and Stupid
In its efforts to protect seals, HSUS (Humane Society of the United States) has come up with an incredibly stupid and profitable slogan: "Club Sandwiches, Not Seals"
HSUS wants you to boycott Canadian seafood until the slaughter of seals ends. There has been no call for an embargo on Canadian bacon. The HSUS doesn't believe humane treatment of animals should apply to delicious animals, and they actually endorse the consumption of pigs (adding bacon magically transforms a sandwich into a club sandwich).
Well, if Paris Hilton sports the slogan, how stupid can it really be?
Strike Out
The SEPTA strike is over and employees are going back to work. For the past 7 days, this town was disabled by a lack of public transportation. In comparison, Chicago’s Transit Authority advertises that 100% of its buses are fully accessible to people with disabilities. That’s an ad campaign to be proud of, and it makes SEPTA’s "This is an Eating Town" ad look like crap.
Maybe something good will come out of this strike. I’m crossing my fingers but not holding my breath—except when going into a subway station. Clean up your act, SEPTA. Start with the Independence Hall stop at 5th Street and branch out from there. That station is a hub of tourist activity and sprucing it up would do wonders for your image. The way these subway stations look and smell is completely unac-SEPTA-ble.