Happy Thanksgiving 2006

Feeding on the encouragement of one BKJ reader, I'm live blogging the Thanksgiving Day parades again this year from the warmth and comfort of Lancaster, PA.

Last night's fun at the Khyber ended too late for Amtrak, so I was on the rails early this morning and we're joining our holiday program already in progress.

8:55 AM: It's raining in Philadelphia, and from the looks of the wet spots on the backs of one dancer's yellow parachute pants, this guy took a spill somewhere along the parade route.

Still in Philadelphia, here comes the first balloon of the day. It's Barney! Or some facsimile of Barney. It's big, it's pink/purple, and it looks like a dinosaur, but I'm pretty sure this is a sweat-shop bootleg Barney.

Pat Sajak takes Tony Danza's place as the honorary grand marshall of the parade this year. His duties are pretty simple. "My job is to eat the turkey."

9:06 New York: The 80th Macy's Thanksgiving Parade has gotten underway, and the rain is falling on A Chorus Line. The line between attractive for stage and attractive for television has blurred dramatically, or this could just be par for NYC. No doubt these actors are the envy of every other parade participant today--they're done for the day.

9:2? Philadelphia: I've already lost track of time (can't see the clock from my chair). Winnie the Pooh is making his way past the Art Museum. The narration of the parade is surprisingly informative, going into detail about A. A. Milne's creation. Pooh-san is much beloved in Japan (as is the next character, Hello Kitty--Kitty-chan), and I was fortunate enough to see my 2-year-old niece meet him at Disney World in October. I'll keep the personal remarks to a minimum. Oh, look who's decided to show up; it's Mayor John Street.

Cecily Tynan is having way too much fun with the Pirate Cove float and the nautical dialogue. Of course, she has some experience in these matters.

9:28 New York: What the hell is going on? These kids look like Oompa Loompas. Oh, it's the Grinch. Look, he's stealing Christmas. OK. The song's over. Wait. Where's he going? Is he coming back? We just saw him steal Christmas, but they left out the Grinch's transformation and change of heart. The whole lesson of the story has been lost. It seems appropriate that both parades have gone to commercial at this moment.

Bloody Mary time.

9:34 New York: Martin Short in a helicopter is actually funny. The Color Purple's "Mysterious Ways" sounds nothing like U2's version.

9:36 Philadelphia: Kelly Ripa is back in Philadelphia, perky as ever. Hilarity enrupts in our living room when they begin airing recorded clips of Disney on Ice and my father unwittingly asks, "How did they get the ice on the street?" Mercy.

More commercials. While the ads run, I come across the following facts from NPR: The balloons in New York must come down if the wind gusts to 34 miles per hour, or the wind blows at a sustained 23 mph. Only once, 1973, did the balloons have to come down.

9:50 Philadelphia: Sajak's out, Ripa's in. This has become a parade tradition: Ripa infusing new blood into the back end of the ceremony.

9:53 New York: The Rockettes have arrived. Those costumes do not look warm. My uncle just announced out of the blue, "I'm not fond of fondue."

9:54 Philadelphia: Kelly's turkey hat is fantastic! And here's 12-year-old Bianca Ryan. Just wait until her voice changes, she'll be coked-up and washed out, but she'll always remember the time when she was America's sweetheart. Huh, look at that split screen technology. It's like she's singing to herself.

10:00 Philadelphia: Someone is performing "Walk Like an Egyptian," and Kelly's wearing a King Tut hat. I just realized that every time a marching band comes along, the Philadelphia parade cuts to commercial.

10:13 Philadelphia: Civic Pride Moment: Philly celebrates its roots and Kevin Bacon with a tribute to Footloose. The man himself is nowhere in sight.

10:20 New York: Said of the Mr. Peanut balloon: "a legend among legumes." The broadcasters are announcing "a surprise visit by the Energizer Bunny." A surprise? Really? C'mon.

10:26 Philadelphia: Desperate to sate her hat addiction, Kelly's stolen Cecily Tynan's baby's hat. Let the "Kelly eats children" rumors start.

10:32 New York: The Sesame Street characters are singing about "another sunny day." The parade's gone metaphorical. Deeeeep. And now, New York has a King Tut performance, too. Sure, their dancers didn't bump into each other the way ours did, but only Philadelphia will be hosting the real King Tut.

11:07 New York: Why are Daryl Hall and John Oates performing in the New York parade? Shouldn't they be in Philly? They are treating the City of Brotherly Love like an abandoned luncheonette. Where is their plaque: Broad Street or Broadway? Tear it up! Boo! I'm out of here. Actually, I nod off into a disheartened slumber and wake up midway through the first quarter of the Lions-Dolphins game. Something smells good.