No Amnesty for Superman!

President Bush's speech tonight on immigration neglected to mention a red-and-blue-tighted illegal immigrant who has been operating in the United States for decades.

Superman may have saved this country countless times since 1938, but that doesn't mean he should be granted immediate citizenship. That is amnesty, and it is "unfair to those who are here lawfully." It doesn't matter that he escaped from a planet that was about to explode, Superman became an illegal alien the moment his spaceship crash landed in Smallville, Kansas, U.S.A.

According to Bush's plan, Superman "will have to wait in line behind those who played by the rules and followed the law." Why should this alien who has been saving this country singlehandedly for almost 80 years become a citizen before an illegal alien who served in the U.S. Marine Corps for 26 years? When Bush talks about "jobs Americans are not doing," he means joining the military, cleaning toilets, and saving the Earth from Terrance Stamp.

Under Bush's proposed temporary worker program, Superman will be allowed to save our country from meteorites legally for "a limited period of time" and then go back to his Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole. With the new temporary work program in place, employers will have no excuse for hiring illegal immigrants, and finally Bush will be in a position to prosecute Perry White, editor of that liberal rag The Daily Planet for hiring a "Clark Kent."

Until his work permit comes through, Superman will be held in the brand new detention center Bush plans to build on the moon to hold illegal space aliens. Sure there's no air on the moon, but according to our president if illegal aliens "walk across miles of desert in the summer heat," they'll certainly volunteer to go work on a lifeless rock. Let's hope the temporary work permits run out before the air supply.