Touchdown Steelhawks!
This game was over the moment the Seahawks loped onto the field to "Bittersweet Symphony". Worst entrance music ever. It's the musical equivalent of saying, "We're just happy to be here." For the sake of continuity, the song did inadvertently tie kick-off with the half-time "entertainment" ("Bittersweet Symphony" borrowed from the Rolling Stones' "The Last Time"; lawsuit filed). The choice of music is particularly shameful considering the game was played in Detroit Rock City. There are hundreds of hard rock anthems from the Motor City that would have better fit the bill. Don't tell me the Nuge doesn't like football.
As for the game, obviously the Steelers wanted the victory more: evident by the way Bill Cowher was cradling the Lombardi Trophy like a newborn baby ("You will be called stitch face") in the commercials for the game. It was odd that ABC wasted valuable ad time to run commercials promoting a game already in progress. Were they afraid viewers might tune out or possibly get distracted by the barrage of advertising and forget there was a game being played?
Speaking of commercials (and who doesn't talk about the Super Bowl ads), Fed Ex failed the truth in advertising test (or they're promoting Intelligent Design) by showing cavemen alongside dinosaurs. Beer ads teach us that commercials don't have to be realistic, now Fed Ex demonstrates that they don't have to be historically accurate, either. Que sera.
I am 40 sheets to the wind, but I distinctly remember a piece in the Onion about a razor with 5 blades, and now it's come to fruition.*
*Link added on 2/6 thanks to this piece in Slate Magazine.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Super Drunk 40: Fistful of Steel
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Bigger & Denser
So McDonald's got rid of the "Super Size" because the larger portions contributed to obesity. But now they've introduced the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, and billed them hors d'ouevres (or so the ad campaign goes).
Super Size was at least truth in advertising. If you order a Super-Size meal, you could expect to be super sized. The Double Quarter Pounder is sold under the slogan "Pound One". Last time I checked, two quarter pounds only equal a half pound. McDonald's is encouraging consumers to eat 2 Double Quarter Pounders with their slogan. Super Sizing isn't gone, it's just gotten sneaky.
Read the page on Dr. Cathy Kapica, McDonald's Global Director of Nutrition. Maybe she can explain what "Grill Seasonings" are and why they are so essential to taste that it's worth adding 240 mg of sodium. As if being a "dietitian" with McDonald's simply isn't enough of a joke in itself, she lists her favorite part of the job as getting paid to hang out with Ronald McDonald. Well, when you work in the fictional realm of fast food nutrition, you're bound to make a few fictional friends.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Happy Bloody Birthday!
Today marks the first birthday of Bloody Knee Jerk and the 300th birthday of Ben Franklin, and I'm celebratin' with a delicious American brewed malt beverage served in a luxurious 40 oz glass container. True, I might be drinkin' a 40 even if it weren't such a momentous occasion, but tonight I'm tippin' the first sip to my man, BF.
The Daily News serves up a Franklin quiz that caters to the sub-moronic. They even botch the headline for the piece: "Put your Franlinania to the test". Franklinania? What the hell is that? Is it the state bordering Pennsylvania? Is it supposed to be Franklin mania or Franklin inanity? My suggestion: Test your Franklinsense.
The Philadelphia Inquirer enumerates Franklin's achievements. One in particular caught my eye:
lead the militia that drove hostile Indian tribes from the Lehigh Valley
There's no way to dress that up in political correctness without making Franklin look like an imperialist asshole.
Neither Philadelphia paper speculates how Franklin might feel about the security and inaccessibility of Independence Hall.
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Ben Franklin
Click for more wisdom from the man.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Clap Your Hands Say FUCK NO!
As if "In This Home On Ice" didn't already rip off the Cure's "Just Like Heaven", now Clap Your Hands Say Yeah are taking a cue from Ticketmaster and ripping off concertgoers, and presumably their own fans since the ticket pre-sale is through their website, with inflated service charges.
Pre-sale tickets for the band's March 7th show at the T.L.A. are reasonable ($15), but what is up with the outrageous service and shipping fees?
Tickets (2): $30
Shipping fees: $9
Service fees: $6 ($3 per ticket)
Total: $45
Fuck that. Both tickets could be mailed in an envelope for the price of a 39 cent stamp. What is this 9-dollar horseshit?
Are fans supposed to feel OK about a 50% markup because the money goes to a indie rock band and not an evil corporation? No way. It's the principle, not the money. Fuck 'em.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Friday Fluff Piece
There goes the neighborhood. BKJ's reporting on celebrity gossip.
David Hasselhoff filed for divorce from his wife of 16 years. The Baywatch star cited irreconcilable differences, but I suspect that's just a cover for the love affair with Germany he's enjoyed for so long.
Taking cues from Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent, Axl Rose is suing a car dealership--but this time it's not Gary Barbera. A car dealership in L.A. has incurred the pint-sized wrath of the rocker-turned-recluse for reportedly failing to deliver two luxury sportscars. The lawsuit filed by Rose doesn't explain how Rose, who hasn't completed an album in over a decade, is able to afford these cars, nor does it answer when or if Rose will ever finish Chinese Democracy.
It's Friday the 13th. Go see The Goats reunion show at the Khyber.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Bruuuuuuuuce!
Bruce Sutter’s going into the Hall of Fame…as a Cardinal.
Look at that beard! It's going to look great on the HOF plaque and the statue outside of Busch Stadium.
The slug for the story on the Cardinals web site says it all: Reliever also played for Cubs and Braves in career. I love the use of “also” in that sentence, as if the Cubs and Braves are mere afterthoughts. Sutter may have won a Cy Young award as a Cub in 1979, but he got his World Series ring as a Redbird.
It wasn't all joy in Mudville on Wednesday, however. Cardinals great Willie McGee did not get enough votes to remain on the Hall of Fame ballot. McGee was a two-time batting champ (1985, 1990), four-time All Star, the National League MVP in 1985, and helped the Cardinals win the World Series in 1982. Sadly, he will not be joining teammates Sutter and Ozzie Smith in Cooperstown.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I'm Scrooge, Byutch!
The Patrick Stewart remake of Dickens's A Christmas Carol is on TNT. Somehow I can't get into this modern take on the classic. Stewart just turned away a group of men collecting for charity, and while the acting was passable, I expected him to shout, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Scrooge, for fuck's sake! My name is synonymous with stinginess! There's even a Disney character to explain my penny pinching to children. Now get out of here before you feel my cane!"
On cue, the Ghost of Christmas Past has arrived and Stewart asks, "Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold?" Scrooge is lucky this is the olden times or the specter's reply might be a little less cordial, "No, jackass, I'm just some flamboyantly dressed ghost hanging out in your bedroom at the exact hour that that other ghost is supposed to be here."
Someone should update the remake. Or stick to the adaptation.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Adios, Amigo!
Matt Morris's time with the Cardinals has come to an end. After a record of 101-62 with the "birds on the bats" he's moving on. No longer a young man, but still a damned fine pitcher, he's heading west to rejoin Mike Matheny (who always looks stoned) in San Francisco. The Giants offered him $27 million over 3 years (a lot more than the Cardinals could/would spend) to make him their number 2 starter. Even though he was the number 3 starter in St. Louis behind Cy Young winner Chris Carpenter and Mark Mulder, Morris was an undisputed leader of this Cardinals team.
Here's to you, Matty Mo. You'll be missed.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Richard Pryor, R.I.P.
Mr. Pryor, you were a funny motherfucker.
Thank you for making that last sentence possible.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Screw Monday
Well, yesterday was a big disappointment.
The Eagles and the snow failed to show up. The Eagles were completely missing in a 42-0 loss in Philadelphia to the Seattle Seahawks. Damn. The snow at least got on the scoreboard with a puny dusting.
Thankfully, I didn’t see the game until the 4th quarter when I got home from the Islands/Hail Social/A Sides show at the Church.
Hail Social have a legitimate reason to grouse about yesterday: their practice space was broken into. The band announced during their set that they are looking for a new place to play. No word on what, if anything, was stolen. If you can't put them up, help them out by buying their album.
Someone has to know something about these constant practice space break-ins that regularly occur in and around Philly.
WTF: Is "Next Great City" status based on having 30-plus Starbucks? They're fuckin' everywhere. So this is how Philly's been garnering the same kind of hype that Seattle had in the early 1990s. Get your coffee elsewhere.
Sports Wrap-up: New York City now has 2 baseball closers who employ "Enter Sandman" as their theme songs when coming out of the bullpen: Mariano Rivera with the Yankees, of course, and Johnny-Come-Lately Billy Wagner of the Mets.
Will Wagner and the Mets defer to Rivera, the elder Sandman in New York? If both closers keep "Sandman" as their themes, this could make for great tabloid fodder. The Daily News and the Post could carry a "Sandman" tally of saves on the back pages. The "Sandman" duel might even add some interest to the annual inter-league subway series, whose novel appeal is waning (coming soon: my rant that inter-league play is bad for baseball because it dilutes existing rivalries and the new rivalries it purports to create aren’t real because they’re forced).
Wagner is overlooking the obvious (better?) choice of entrance music: Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries". Valkyries is some serious impending doom-type shit. Maybe Billy's trying to be his own man and stop living in Richard's shadow.
My man Izzy's choice of Sevendust on this list leaves me scratching my head, but not as much as Todd Jones' selection.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving!
In honor of the season, I’ve prepared a feast of BKJ to give you food for thought, something to chew on, or turn your stomach. It’s all good, because I’m thankful for anyone reading and ingesting this curdled gravy skin of a blog.
I suppose the first thing I should do is establish the setting of this entry. I’m out in Lancaster County, where 80s hair metal lives forever on the radio, and Bryan Adams and Def Leppard drew the largest crowd of drunken Amish kids ever to Clipper Magazine Stadium.
Up (too) early after a night-before-Thanksgiving bender, my mom has the TV set so she can flip between the parades in New York and Philadelphia with one button.
9:20 Philadelphia/9:25 New York: After the Cookie Monster balloon in Philly it’s Thelma Houston performing on a float with dinosaurs (hooray for evolution, boo for the unintended implication that Houston’s prehistoric). This beats New York’s parade with cast members of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” by a mile.
9:26 New York: Sticking with the upscale parade, we have a group of kids singing, dancing, and obviously hamming it up in hopes of being discovered. I can’t believe one of the little brats sang that she’s thankful for her cell phone. I’m thankful my mom changed the channel, and I tell her so.
9:26 Philadelphia: Tony Danza’s hosting the parade, but Kelly Ripa’s on the way. Marching band and pre-recorded Thanksgiving wishes from Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and The View.
9:30 Philadelphia: Bob the Builder balloon and the Brentwood High School marching band from Tennessee. Dave Roberts just exclaimed the Mrs. Incredible is hot and noticed her curves.
9:38 Philadelphia: Grease. God, I hate that musical. Is it too early for beer?
9:39 New York: Jersey Boys is a minor improvement.
While playing with the dog I lose track of time and space.
?? Philadelphia?: Jailbait cheerleaders performing to “Jailhouse Rock” and “Hound Dog”.
Got my bearings back, but I still don’t know what time it is.
Philadelphia is looking great (on TV). It’s a sunny day and the Cow Jumped Over the Moon balloon is bouncing off the Parkway followed by an Alabama marching band. Civic Pride moment: It’s great to see bands from around the country performing in Philadelphia. Cheers Philly.
Philadelphia: Danza’s departing and the Curious George balloon is deflating. What’s up with all the balloon problems? Oh shit, it's Annie. This little girl's shitty lip syncing has destroyed the illusion of the parade. Boo! I’m outta here.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Revenge of the Sixth!
File this one under old news.
Philly's the Sixth Most Dangerous City in America!*
This claim to fame beats that horseshit about being the "Sixth Borough" any day of the week. Yo New York! You don't have shit on our town with your 4th Safest City ranking. Pussies.
Go Sixers!
*Population of 500,000 or more.
Special thanks to all Camden residents who crossed the Ben Franklin Bridge to boost Philly's rating.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Camden: "We're # 1!"
Camden, NJ: Still the 'Most Dangerous' city in America.
Pop the tops on the Mad Dog 20/20, Camden. You have earned the right to celebrate.
In his concession speech, runner up Detroit's Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick spoke graciously, "You have to take your hat off to the city of Camden. They did what was necessary to defend their title."
And what was necessary were sharks. Not resting after their 2004 victory, Camden rechristened the New Jersey State Aquarium Adventure Aquarium and released sharks into the beleaguered waterfront city.
Running for his stripped SUV, one mauled tourist commented, "Holy shit! I thought I had gotten through the worst of it after that mugger shot me and took my wallet, but then a fuckin' shark bit my goddamned arm off!"
Inside Adventure Aquarium it was a party atmosphere.
Amidst a swarm of flipper high fives, one shark noted, "Look, it's simple, if you don't want your frickin' head bit off, don't come to Camden." A tankmate echoed the sentiment, "I live for this shit. All I do is swim and eat and make baby sharks."
Mayor Gwendolyn A. Faison looking relaxed, spoke from behind the 6-inch bulletproof glass surrounding her desk. "It takes a village. I thought Camden's title was in real trouble when they started charging $25 for parking at the Tweeter Center. It turns out my worries were unfounded; they had no intention of investing any of that money into the community."
Owners of the Tweeter Center parking lots were unavailable for comment but released this statement: With the recent announcement that Camden is the most dangerous city in America, we will be raising our parking prices to $30 next summer.
Undaunted by the escalating parking fees, one X-treme sports fanatic was hyped up about his stab wound. "Dude, this town is f'in X-treme! I live for the adrenaline rush!" At press time, at least three travel agencies were putting together X-treme Adventure tours to Camden.
Asked about the possibility of a three-peat, one carjacker was humble, "We’re taking it one season at a time." He added, "It's hard work staying on top with all the parity in the MDC [Most Dangerous City] league. You have to be resourceful. I trust in the mayor though. I mean, who would've predicted sharks. That just takes the cake."
Beaming with pride when told of the compliment, Faison leaned back in her throne, smiled broadly and shouted out the window to a bleeding pedestrian, "Be sure to tell the hospital that Camden sent ya, we have a reputation to maintain."
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Bright Eyes, Dirty Trailer
"I will die for you" is the new "Wash Me"
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Cease and De-Sixth!
How better to celebrate Philadelphia’s music scene than by calling it a New York suburb?
That’s the thinking over at Plain Parade, which just released a compilation of Philadelphia musicians entitled: Songs from the Sixth Borough.
Note to Plain Parade: The title for your Philadelphia comp is just plain awful. For shame. I expect this kind of misrepresentation from Jessica “My Chin Is the 6th Borough” Pressler, but I didn’t think you would market Philadelphia as a New York suburb.
Philebrity clued me in that Pressler’s fucked up, completely inaccurate NY Times article about Philadelphia was referenced on the Gilmore Girls. Who knew that that pile of dog shit would stink so long?
Memo to Ms. Pressler: Stop misrepresenting my town.
Half-assed letter of application to the New York Times: Dear Venerable Establishment of the Main Stream Media: I humbly offer my services to cover Philadelphia without blatant distortion of facts or comparing it to New York at every turn. In my coverage, I won’t sell Philly short in order to promote an agenda of mass exodus from the Big Apple (admit it, Pressler was just a tool in your grand scheme to get people to move out of your city, so you have a little extra sidewalk space). Thanking you in advance for the word and liquor money.
Sincerely, Jesse D’s nuts (take that apostrophe any way you like it).
Am I the only person in Philadelphia who rankles at these constant attempts to ingratiate Philly with New York? Does it not dawn on those who call this town the 6th Borough that they are selling Philadelphia’s independence (and indie rock) short? Oh, I get it. It’s just fun and no one takes it seriously, so I shouldn’t get worked up over it. Maybe I should just have a good time and let a $10 appletini at Glam melt my cares away. Horseshit. The joke isn’t funny anymore (and I’m not convinced it ever was). Philly represent.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
When the Music's Over
I grew up with this band; I remember when they were just "The Lovers". I apologize for that joke. It was the nasty biproduct of the Bigger Lovers' farewell all-you-can-drink concert. When the beer ran out, I sobered up, and had the kind of regrets that Richard Lewis knows only too well. That guy is not funny.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Your Slogan is Tasty and Stupid
In its efforts to protect seals, HSUS (Humane Society of the United States) has come up with an incredibly stupid and profitable slogan: "Club Sandwiches, Not Seals"
HSUS wants you to boycott Canadian seafood until the slaughter of seals ends. There has been no call for an embargo on Canadian bacon. The HSUS doesn't believe humane treatment of animals should apply to delicious animals, and they actually endorse the consumption of pigs (adding bacon magically transforms a sandwich into a club sandwich).
Well, if Paris Hilton sports the slogan, how stupid can it really be?
Strike Out
The SEPTA strike is over and employees are going back to work. For the past 7 days, this town was disabled by a lack of public transportation. In comparison, Chicago’s Transit Authority advertises that 100% of its buses are fully accessible to people with disabilities. That’s an ad campaign to be proud of, and it makes SEPTA’s "This is an Eating Town" ad look like crap.
Maybe something good will come out of this strike. I’m crossing my fingers but not holding my breath—except when going into a subway station. Clean up your act, SEPTA. Start with the Independence Hall stop at 5th Street and branch out from there. That station is a hub of tourist activity and sprucing it up would do wonders for your image. The way these subway stations look and smell is completely unac-SEPTA-ble.
Friday, October 28, 2005
(Buzz) Killing Moon
Consumer Alert: Blue Moon Belgian White is a Coors product.
I took a tour of the Coors Brewery in Golden, Colorado a few years ago and sampled Blue Moon. It pales in comparison to the true Belgian beers (with its measly 5.4% apv), so don't get suckered into paying inflated prices for this swill.
The label says it's brewed by the Blue Moon Brewing Company, and unless you search for information on Blue Moon you're unlikely to know it's a Coors product, which says to me that Coors is trying to attract consumers who look unfavorably on their products. And frankly, if a beer has to be served ice cold to be palatable (as Coors Light is marketed), who wouldn't look unfavorably on it?