Live 8 is only 3 days away. Buy your beer now.
#4: "Whole Lotta Love"
-Led Zeppelin, How the West Was Won (Atlantic)
Medleys are usually concert cop-outs. A band at the peak of their popularity will string together some of their early material in a feeble attempt to appease older fans. It sucks. "Whole Lotta Love" from HWWW is a rare exception. Instead of cramming their own songs into the medley, Zeppelin dabbled in covers that revealed their influences (most notably John Lee Hooker's "Boogie Chillun"). The inclusion of the four songs in the middle of "Whole Lotta Love" stretches the original song to 23 minutes. Only "Poop Ship Destroyer" from Ween's Paintin' the Town Brown LP boasts greater expansive powers: turning a 2-minute ditty into a 26-minute cruise on the chocolate stew.
Normally I prefer single-date concert discs to the hodge-podge live album culled from numerous shows, but HWWW (recorded over 2 dates in August 1972) has been masterfully mixed to resemble a single performance (except that the 3 discs would be a marathon concert).
After drummer John Bonham's death in 1980, Led Zeppelin broke up...and then reformed for Live Aid in 1985. The results were so disasterous (Phil Collins played the skins) that their performance was excised from the Live Aid DVD/CD.
Pink Floyd is reuniting in London for Live 8. Let's hope they fare better.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Live 8 Tracks: Number 4
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Live 8 Tracks: Number 5
Leading up to Live 8 on July 2nd, I'm counting down 8 of my favorite live tracks.
#5: "Suicide Solution (with guitar solo)"
-Ozzy Osbourne, Tribute (Sony)
Just the fact that Ozzy sang, "Food, glorious food" backstage at the Philadelphia Live Aid concert in 1985 qualifies him for inclusion on this Live 8-inspired list.
"Wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker/Suicide is slow with liquor."
Is there a better song to listen to while drinking in a dive? I don't think so. How many quarters did I spend (notice I didn't write "waste") playing this song on the jukebox at the East End Tavern* in Manayunk? So many fuzzy evenings. So many excellent conversations.
The guitar solo on "Suicide Solution" comes at the very end of the song. The song is essentially over...and then the solo begins. While Rhoads is out there shredding, the rest of the band takes a Spinal Tap break for beers.
The inside cover of Tribute bears this inscription:
"This is a tribute to my friend and my partner. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him. He is dearly missed."
That is a damn fine thing to say about a person. Tribute is a reminder that life is short, and it immortalizes the performances of a brilliant guitarist. Isn't that the purpose of a live album?
Lift your glass to Mr. Randy Rhoads.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Live 8 Tracks: Number 6
Leading up to Live 8 on July 2nd, I'm counting down 8 of my favorite live tracks.
#6: "Riot Starter"
-Cypress Hill, Live at the Fillmore (Columbia)
With all due respect to Philadelphia's The Roots and their excellent The Roots Come Alive LP, Cypress Hill's Live at the Fillmore takes the (space) cake as the best live rap album to date.
What makes Fillmore such an outstanding concert recording isn't just the quality of the performance, but the crowd's response to it. They're going absolutely crazy! The band's playing reflects the intensity of their fans' energy. Listening to the crowd's reaction on this disc makes me want to travel back through time and space to San Francisco on August 16, 2000. Along with the Mexico City fans on "Seek and Destroy" from Metallica's Live Shit: Binge and Purge box set, this might be the most vocal audience ever recorded. Crowd interaction is a vital component of live recordings, but the balance has to be just right; too much noise and the music is lost (a common problem with bootlegs), too little noise and the recording doesn't sound spontaneous. Fillmore gets it perfect.
Backed by metal band SX-10, the intensity of the band's performance builds as the night wears on, and on the penultimate track, "Riot Starter", Sen Dog makes a final provacative statement to incite the crowd, "I see a bunch of pussies in the back that don't want to come to the front and get motherfuckin' busy. The fuck you think this is, motherfucker? You ain't in no motherfuckin' gym class. This is Cypress Hill". I imagine all hell breaking loose in the pit as the guitars rip like buzzsaws. If only all rap metal were this potent. Sadly, I can count the number of talented rap-metal bands on one middle finger: Rage Against the Machine.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Live 8 Tracks: Number 7
Leading up to Live 8 on July 2nd, I'm counting down 8 of my favorite live tracks.
#7: "We Are 138"
-Misfits, Evilive (Plan 9)
The sound quality's poor, but Evilive captures the Misfits perfectly. Not the strongest track on the album, “We Are 138” nonetheless features a guest appearance by “Henry from Black Flag”. That would be Henry Rollins. It was always the subject of debate who would win in a fight between Rollins and Glenn Danzig. My money was always on Rollins: Danzig was muscular, but he didn’t look flexible enough to put his arms down.
Guest appearances at concerts are (usually) a treat for fans and set a live show apart from listening to an album at home. I've been fortunate to witness a couple outstanding guest appearances, but the one I remember best was also the first one I saw. Radiohead's Thom Yorke joined Belly's Tanya Donelly on the stage of the Trocadero for "Untogether". I remember Yorke was waifishly thin and twitched a lot (someone in the crowd yelled, “Get off the smack”). Considering Radiohead’s current level of popularity it’s amazing that in 1992 they were the opening act for Belly.
I'm still hoping for a Danzig-fronted Misfits reunion, but given the general quality of reunion tours, maybe I should reconsider that wish.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Live 8 Tracks
Leading up to Live 8 on July 2nd, I'm counting down 8 of my favorite live tracks. I haven't listened to every live album ever produced, so I welcome recommendations of songs/albums.
#8: "Paper Thin Walls"
-Modest Mouse, Baron Von Bullshit Rides Again (available at http://www.modestmousebootlegs.com/)
There are certain obvious things that separate a live album from their studio counterparts. One of these is band-to-audience dialogue. A great off-the-cuff remark (or rant, in this case) can be as memorable as the song being played. At the end of "Paper Thin Walls", Isaac Brock responds to a fan's request for "Freebird". Brock is not modest when he declares, "life is too fucking short to play or hear ‘Freebird’"
Stage dialogue was sadly missing from Nirvana's From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah. I have heard several Nirvana bootlegs (I recommend Roma, if you can find it), and Cobain made funny, bizarre, and insightful remarks in every one of them ("We're Nirvana, and we're from Tokyo!"). By removing all dialogue (save for a faint "Great Caesar's Ghost!"), From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah fails to truly capture the essence of a live Nirvana performance.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Live Blogging as a Last Resort
It's come to this. I'm so out of ideas for how to respond to shitty writing that I'm going with "live blogging".
While I don't endorse the column, it does help to read Neil Ferguson's "Lush Life" review of Doobie's (2201 Lombard Street, 546-0316--the 215 is understood) from the June 22, 2005 Philadelphia Weekly (a.k.a. the weekly that panders to the suburbs) to understand my critique. Cliff Notes version: Neil Ferguson is full of shit.
11:59 p.m.: Sentence 1 and 2--Neil establishes that he's aware that Doobie's, "a neighborhood institution (if nothing else)", has changed its facade. Brilliant observation of the obvious, but let's go on. Ferguson then uses his mental powers to imagine what people who drink regularly at Doobie's are saying, complete with cursing (cuz everyone uses the 'F' word when talking about the local bar). The "if nothing else" parenthetical note is the weak catch-all.
12:00 a.m.: Hooray, it's Friday! Boo! I'm still reading this shitty column. Neil goes on to reveal that he was down with the Doobie's scene before it was spruced up, he even listens to music when drinking (and can read what's in the jukebox). Good for him, his 4th grade teacher is proud.
12:02 a.m.: Damn. It took me 2 minutes to read a couple sentences and write a response. Still haven't changed my mind that this column's a piece of shit. Maybe I should reveal here that I had the idea to "live blog" the column after I read it the first time. This is a reactionary piece, but a live reactionary piece of my second reading. Neil takes a stand on the side of smokers in the proposed Philadelphia smoking ban. Way to go out on a limb. He even cheapens the use of Nazi symbolism to promote an unhealthy lifestyle. Hey, I'm against a smoking ban, too, but I'll save Nazi comparisons for something legitimate. Seriously, he's really going to compare a ban on smoking to mass genocide? "Shithead" isn't a strong enough term for Mr. Ferguson. In his words, "This is a bar, after all, not a health farm", or a concentration camp, right? Asshole.
12:03 a.m.: "Hooray for me!" Sorry, I'm watching Chapelle's Show while I read this shitty column. Needed something to smack the taste out my mouth.
12:04 a.m.: Ferguson makes a "personal criticism": he hates people. There you have it. He doesn't want to drink with people who take themselves seriously. Fine. So why doesn't he just hang out on Delaware Avenue? Because he's a piece of shit.
12:05 a.m.: Ferguson proclaims himself an authority on "cool", and lays out ground rules for how to be cool. He addresses his readers directly by declaring himself a "professional" of cool and declaring: "The basic rule means not trying". Shit. Kids, if you are reading this, be aware that anyone who purports to be an authority of cool is a fuckin' authority figure. Fuck the man. Fuck! The! Man! As soon as you claim to be an authority on cool you forfeit any coolness you may have had. Sorry Ferguson, your cool pass (if you ever had one) has been revoked.
12:06 a.m.: Ferguson can't walk and chew gum at the same time. While sippin' his lukewarm beer and trying to keep his balance on a barstool, he takes issue with people who can drink and knit at the same time.
12:07 a.m.: What a surprise, Neil Ferguson is a belligerent drunk. The Lush Life auteur threatens to, "shove the needles where the sun don't shine." I'm calling his bluff. That's some pretty tough talk for an alcoholic. Guess what, you're not Hemingway. I was talking to some knitting friends of mine and they've proposed a "knit in" at Doobie's. They encourage you to show up.
My prediction is Neil will have more (knitting) needles in his ass than the last time he visited the VD clinic. I've wasted enough time dissecting this turd.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Live 8-Ball
PHILADELPHIA, PA: In a natural merger of marketing and corporate sponsorship, the Miller Brewing company has declared its intention to make Olde English 800 the official malt liquor of Live 8.
In a haze of intoxication, spokespeople for OE released this statement, "The brew, long known as 'the cadillac of 40s' is a uniquely portable (and potable) beverage that fits snugly in a classic brown paper bag wrapper."
Advisors to Philadelphia Mayor John Street stopped short of endorsing the beverage since it's not brewed in the City of Brotherly Love, but were quick to welcome donations from corporate sponsors. The mayor added, "Drink responsibly, kids."
Approximately 1 million fans are expected to clog the Ben Franklin Parkway on July 2nd for the event. Retailers in the area have already doubled their orders for 40s. One area merchant declared, "I'm clearing out the dairy case and loadin' up on liquor. This weekend the milk teat is goin' dry. Who wants milk on a hot summer day? I just hope I have enough paper bags."
*Not really, but I'll be swiggin' the 8-Ball on the Parkway, cuz when you're donating your money to charity (as I am), you have to be economical in your beverage selection. That's where the 40 comes in.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Live H8
Holla!
After losing 50 Cent, Philly’s Live 8 concert is getting Linkin Park and Destiny’s Child.
I guess Beyonce and her 2 friends have recovered from being booed off stage during the 2001 NBA Finals here in Philadelphia.
Is it acceptable to boo artists performing for charity? Only time will tell, I guess.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Sight Unseen: Summer Edition 1
Several weeks worth of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
Batman Begins
What exactly is Batman beginning? He's obviously beginning to make money for Warner Bros. again.
Cinderella Man
Is this the worse superhero name ever? To paraphrase Batman Begins, "Anyone who goes around dressed like Cinderella has to have issues."
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Well, they're flying 'cross the land, tryin' to get a hand, playing in their traveling pants. Soon to be broadcast repeatedly and forever on the Oxygen Channel.
The Longest Yard
I can't even count the number of recycled "jokes" that appear in the trailer for this turd. Let's start with the gentle giant who doesn't know how to use his size and seeks coaching from Chris "I'm only funny in stand-up" Rock, who asks the big guy not to eat him. Who the fuck laughs at that old cliche? Now I know why these movies are aimed at teens. Kids are the only ones who aren't culturally literate enough to call "bullshit!" (OK, maybe not the only ones: see also fans of the Blue Collar Comedy Shitfest).
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Not a sequel to the Jimmy Stewart filibuster movie. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't going to Washington...They're going to hell for adulterous relations (and laughing all the way to the bank). Like Charon, Vince Vaughn will transport them across the River Styx. We'll see you again later this summer, Mr. Vaughn.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Sight Unseen: May 19, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen...on a Thursday.
Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith
Where is my lightsaber? I don't mean the plastic toy the dorks are playing make-believe with, no, I mean a real lightsaber. Forget the flying car, America's scientists and inventors should be working on developing swords made of light. Isn't that the sole purpose of physics? The lightsaber should be a physicist's holy grail: it features light as a wave, a particle, and a sharp instrument for chopping the shit out of things.
Some crybabies might poo-poo the idea of allowing people to walk around with white-hot cutting tools, but the sabers (or sabres) can equipped with safety switches and licensed like guns; besides a lightsaber is "more elegant than a blaster." Imagine the incredible advances to be made in artificial limb technology that would be necessitated by lightsabers. Lightsabers would create jobs and singlehandedly (no pun intended) save our floundering economy. I'd join the National Lightsaber Association (NLA; if limo drivers and lawyers can share 'NLA', they can make room for lightsabers--or it's choppin' time) in exchange for the opportunity to own a lightsaber.
For all these reasons and more, I urge you to write your member of Congress and demand they push for more funding for lightsaber research and development.
Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith opens today.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Sight Unseen: May 13, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
Monster-in-Law
Well, Jane Fonda isn't Jason Voorhees (although some would contest that statement), but at least there's a monster movie opening on Friday the 13th.
Kicking and Screaming
Fathers who get caught up in their kid's sports teams are funny, and finally they get a movie that pokes fun at their impassioned fanaticism. You know who isn't laughing? The kid who gets beat for striking out, overthrowing the cut-off man, missing a goal, not bettering his time, or for just being average. That shit just isn't funny. Maybe Kicking and Screaming will help overenthusiastic parents laugh at themselves, and reduce the number of beatings.
We can only hope.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Personal-ly Offended
From the "I-Can't-Believe-What-an-Asshole-this-Person-Is" files, this was the "Personal of the Day" at The Onion:
Woman's username: smartsexycool
If I could be anywhere at the moment: "On a boat, somewhere warm, with half-naked natives serving me drinks and chocolate."
Why not make the natives completely naked and enslave them to cater to your every posh, bourgeois desire, you stupid piece of shit! Oh wait, if they were completely naked, their genitalia might offend your Puritan eyes. Even worse, she considers herself to be "smart, sexy, cool" after spouting off some imperialist bullshit like that. Bitch, please. I'm renaming you KKKim.
Either she doesn't think there is anything wrong with subjugating an indigenous people to slavery for her "drinks and chocolate", or she didn't think about the indigenous people at all. What's worse is there are millions of people who think (or don't think) just like her...and that's why I avoid Delaware Avenue.
One day I will figure out how to post pictures to this blog and then I will post the picture of this stupid woman for all the world to ridicule (because more people read Bloody Knee Jerk than The Onion)!
Friday, May 06, 2005
Sight Unseen: May 6, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
House of Wax
Hey Paris, why the long face? This movie is the perfect project for you. With all the make-up you wear, you already look like you're made of wax. Paris Hilton--she's just not a pretty face.*
Kingdom of Heaven
What if the Kingdom of Heaven were really just a House of Wax? What if God was one of us?
*Why this animosity towards Ms. Hilton? For starters, she's trying to infringe on my use of the language by copyrighting the phrase, "That's hot", as if she came up with it. I had a friend in college who used that phrase all the time--long before Paris Hilton was a internet porn sensation. It was an annoying catchphrase then, and it's annoying now, but I'll be damned if someone should own the rights to its use. Do you want to pay Ms. Hilton a nickel every time you explain to children why they shouldn't put their tiny hands on the stove burner ("Don't touch, that's hot")? Me, neither.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Blogging Works!
Friday, April 29, 2005
Sight Unseen: April 29, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
This week we have a treat. A rumble. A rap battle.
Two of the finest rappers-turned-actors have movies opening this weekend.
Damn! Pass me that 40.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
This movie is all literary and shit. It's a film based on a book based on a fictional futuristic book. Mos Def brings to acting the same smoothness he brought to Black Star.
XXX: State of the Union
Oh, the things you get when you run a Google search for this title.
Ice Cube. The man, the legend, "the Predator." I fuckin' knew Are We There Yet? couldn't keep Cube down...and neither can a load of poorly animated stunts. I've seen the trailers. Train wrecks and car chases that are faker than a video ho's hair. Even if XXX: State of the Union is terrible, it's possibly the best recasting of a title role ever. Ever.
Cube's brilliance over Vin Diesel aside, it's not hard to top these recasting missteps. Roger Moore over Sean Connery as 007? Val Kilmer replacing Michael Keaton for Batman Forever? Jason Bateman over Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf Too?
So, who's the best rapper-turned-actor?
Not Vanilla Ice (aka Robert Van Winkle), despite turns in Cool As Ice ("How do you melt a girl's heart? Just add Ice") and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze ("Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go!").
Mark Wahlberg was in the running for Boogie Nights, but c'mon...was he really a rapper? "Did you feel it, baby?...yeah, I did, too."
Ice T: Loved him in New Jack City and Trespass...and then what happened? Actually, he kicked some ass in Surviving the Game (that remake of The Most Dangerous Game)
Other rappers-turned-actors: TuPac, The Fat Boys (Disorderlies!), LL Cool J ("My hat is like a shark's fin!"), Will Smith, Snoop Dogg, DMX, Beanie Siegel (his movies are more akin to a reality show about prison than cinema), etc.
Nope, it's either Mos Def or Ice Cube...and I'm not voting against a man who keeps a 9mm in his jeep.
Verdict: Ice Cube is the greatest actor of all time.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Sight Unseen: April 22, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
Kung Fu Hustle
With little to go on but my own instincts, I predict Kung Fu Hustle is going to be an outstanding piece of cinema. The trailer features three can't miss ingredients: ass kicking, choreographed ass kicking, and prominent use of the song, "Ballroom Blitz". Remember when Tia Carrere covered "Ballroom Blitz" for the first Wayne's World movie? Didn't we all have her pegged for stardom? Her first misstep was playing a character named "Jingo" in the abysmal flick Rising Sun (the book, which I sadly read after Jurassic Park, relied even more heavily on xenophobia and stereotypes of the Japanese for plot development). From there it was a long slow slide into Relic Hunter.
The Interpreter
When a movie is boasting about where it was shot (at the real U.N.???!!! Oh! My! God!), you know there's something wrong with it.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Sight Unseen: April 15, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
The Amityville Horror
Remake Alert!
The Lutz family found their dream house...until it turned into a nightmare. If that (or some variation) isn't the tagline for this movie, someone in Marketing isn't doing their job. Land developers LOVE haunted house movies: why buy old and haunted when you can buy a brand new duplex on what was once beautiful country farmland or an Indian burial ground. We need Coach to make another Poltergeist movie to discourage any more suburban developments.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Sight Unseen: April 8, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
Sahara
"Sahara, storms are brewing in your eyes"
The trailer for this movie makes me thirsty. Expect theater soft drink sales for Sahara to reach Gandhi and Ishtar levels.
Fever Pitch
Fuck Jimmy Fallon. The Farrelly Brothers could have done much, much better.
I can't believe my beloved St. Louis Cardinals became the losers in a baseball movie (and in the 2004 World Series). I would use the world "immortalized", but c'mon, it's doubtful this flick will have the lasting appeal of a Major League or Bull Durham (or even an Angels in the Outfield or Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch).
Since last October, I've seen more Red Sox hats in Philadelphia than Phillies hats. During the 2004 Series, every Phillies fan I know switched their allegiance to the BoSox and rooted against my Cardinals. Some pretended to love Curt Schilling and Francona (what, no love for Scott Rolen or Marlon Anderson), while others just wanted to see an end to "the Curse of the Bambino". Turncoats. The same people who wanted an end to the Red Sox World Series drought are the same jerks hoping the Cubs win the World Series.
And I hate the Cubs.
At what point is it OK to abandon your purported favorite team and root for another? April 1 (always a good time for Devil Ray fans, if there are any)? The All-Star break (probably a good time for Orioles fans with the division they're in)? August (about the time the Phillies start making their late-season run to nowhere)? October? Never?
Didn't this start out as a movie review? Fever Pitch: I'll see it on Comedy Central.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Sight Unseen: April 1, 2005
Continuing the Friday series of reviews of movies I haven't seen.
Sin City
This could be the first "Sight Unseen" movie that I'll actually see in the theaters (that bootleg DVD of Ice Princess while shot in a theater doesn't count).
Set in the imaginary blue-screen town of Basin City (can Las Vegas, the real-life "Sin City" according to Yahoo searches, sue for nickname violation), the Robert Rodriguez-Frank Miller collaboration boasts some pretty big Hollywood names (Bruce Willis, Benicio Del Toro, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Nick Stahl, etc.). Shooting on a sound stage means that money normally spent on locations can be funneled into talent and a decent script: something George Lucas didn't think of when he made The Phantom Menace.
So, what sins are representing in Sin City? Well, judging from the trailers at least 5 of the 7 Deadly Sins make an appearance (pride, envy, wrath, greed, and lust). No word on gluttony's whereabouts, but sloth just couldn't make it out of bed.